In the wake of all the new hoopla over abortion and Planned Parenthood, I felt compelled to write the essay that follows. I remember, oh it must be over twenty years ago now, a conversation with some friends, really it was with Jack, his ex and her brother John. The topic turned to abortion and John with great conviction said it should be illegal. Something snapped and I said that no man, no one should dictate what I do with my body. That this issue has no business being a legal issue or political issue. It was a topic I hadn't really given much thought to, for confronted with making a decision like that, I don't know what I'd do. The circumstances would push me one way or the other, but there would be no one in my family who I could turn to for help. I have an understanding of how it would feel to make either decision. Who am I to cold bloodedly make that decision for someone else. If every woman could be assured of a welcome in society, if every child born out of wedlock was heaped with the love s/he desires, probably abortion as birth control wouldn't be needed. However, that has never been the case. There is so much hypocrisy revolving around this subject. The shock and awe tactics used to inflame us, the holier than thou attitude of some of the anti abortionist. Where is the critical thinking here? Why is NO the only solution? I know that those of you who agree with me will read the essay, I challenge those of you who do not to read a start a dialogue with me.
Here it is:
On the eve of my first marriage, my beautiful women friends had a party for me, a bridal shower, a custom I hope never dies. Lord how I loved those women, the men too. We were young, smart, brave and mostly true. There was a core of the steadfast but we were always incorporating newcomers as relationships evolved or didn’t. Some of us worked, some of us went to college, some of us did nothing at all. There was a party every week at someone’s house, someone’s apartment. We drank cheap wine or beer, smoked marijuana, tobacco, and once in awhile something harder like cocaine or mescaline. Psilocybin mushrooms were a temporary fad. Some rode motorcycles, some old sports car, we had a corvette. There were the two or three single guys with revolving girlfriends, couples who were living together or married. Some were constantly traveling, coming back with tales of foreign places, some lived in other towns, others were at university. There was a minor criminal or two, really drugs were illegal so someone had to be. I guess when you think about it we all were criminals. We listened to the latest Rock music, The Who, Joni, Bob, we’d cut our teenage teeth with Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd. We loved Bob Marley. His album covers made it easier to clean your marijuana from those pesky seeds that would create tiny explosions in the joint you carefully rolled. I know I left out a bunch, but check the Top One Hundred Rock Bands, a good place to start. We listened to the CBC radio the most intelligent radio ever, commercial free and very au current. Sunday Morning, “Tribal drums in the jungles of Botswana/ bring back sweet memories of you /we were gorillas there together baby and the skies were always blue” The Royal Canadian Air Farce, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy”, Gilmore’s Albums, Barbara Frum’s As It Happens, Quirks and Quarks with Dr David Suzuki.To get back to the shower, two presents stand out for me. The year was 1976, so much had already happened to let women realize their humanity, to open up their true place in the world. Much has changed for some women, much still needs to be done. As I see it, some where, some time, some man or group of men conspired to rob women of their birthright and created a religion to justify their actions. So like Jacob/Israel, they became rulers overall, setting themselves up as the very God they invented. The universe wasn’t designed for that type of imbalance, you see how ill we’ve become because of it. An elite was set up to determine who would get to the top and stay there. Men with money amassed the power to punish anyone anytime for any reason. It really is fitting that the symbol of justice is a woman forced into blindness.
But here we were in that time and place, no longer chattels, never as chattels ever again.
I was 18 when I made the conscious decision to lose my virginity, it was the obvious next step in the exciting, physical relationship I was involved in. Really had I been brave enough I’d have lost myself in balms when I was 16 but while my father was liberal in some ways, in others he was draconianly strict. He threatened me on a regular basis once I turned 14 that I was not to come home should I find that I was pregnant. At fourteen that was most terrifying. He used to cut out articles from the paper about rape to show me what I should be frightened of. It worked, I spent many years afraid. At 62 not so much anymore. But I ask, how is it that a baby can only bring joy when you do the right things, according to religions and bring so much terror when you don’t. How is it when you put your penis in your wife you make her holy, but when you put it in another woman it makes her of low moral character. How is it that your demand for sex is so overpowering yet you cowardly turn your back on the consequences, leaving the woman and child to make their way in a society that you have caused to hate unwed mothers and bastard children. How is it that your demand for sex is so great you would destroy a woman, by enslaving her, by vilifying her. What’s wrong with you? Who taught you this and shame on the women who go along with it. There’s my rant.
The first present that was mind blowing, was “The Joy Of Sex” by Dr. Alex Comfort, newly published the year before. Here was an illustrated book, not the first of it’s kind thanks to the orientals but a book that illuminated how sex was a language that connected everyone to everything. So much divides humans on this planet but sex we have in common and no matter who wants to banish it from the world, the billions of us now on this glorious earth are testament to the power of sex. It’s now 40 years later and y’all are still getting all hurdy gurdy over an exposed nipple. Sometimes I think the promise of our youth was greatly squandered. The contortions women go through to be heard is mind boggling. It’s insane that we must still lead with our bodies to get attention.
The second book was “Our Bodies Ourselves” a book that was about women by women. It dealt with issues that weren't discussed in “polite company” . I grew up not being allowed to use the word ‘pregnant’. My parents never ever talked about sex. I don’t know what they were thinking that they never told us anything except don’t do it. Thanks to Kotex, my mother had a way out of explaining menstruation to me, another word never mentioned. Kotex had a booklet that told the facts which I had to read. Then Mum showed me how to wear the belt and pad. I shudder to think of it now and the monthly terror of being discovered or worse having an accident. O the Shame! Who put that shame in us?
So to get on with how I began, the two presents were awesomely risque for the times. But we were heady with this new freedom and so were the men in our lives. The other threats we, all of us, had from our parents was that no man would marry a used woman. We were discovering how amazingly untrue that was. If anything the men in our lives were exceedingly grateful that they had equals to love and cherish. They understood that because we were aware of our true selves, they were also set free to explore the true meaning of their man-ness
Back to when I was 18, so overwhelmed with sexual desires, so crushingly unsatisfied not to have the ultimate connection. I was with someone who understood the consequences and for many months we would force ourselves to stop, until we found we had reached the point where stopping wasn’t an option. While we had moments of ecstasy we had moments of terror when I would find I was “late”. Y’all know what I mean, don’t pretend you don’t. Just like that, just as the need was great, a Planned Parenthood clinic opened and there in safety and privacy, we could discuss birth control, and the consequences of being active sexually. For me, they shed a light on a very dark area of my life. It was a release of guilt, fear and shame. History shows us that we need this, a safe environment to talk and hopefully resolve issues for the individual and for the society. Because of their care and education, I never had to face the trauma of an unwanted pregnancy. Because of their care and education, I know that if I had been in that situation, there would be someone, some place I could go to find a solution. If societies could only resolve this stance it has against sex and educate our children, stop the prejudice and harsh attitudes it has about women and come to an enlightenment about our human nature in all it’s aspects, we may all get out of here with our dignity intact.
